---- >B ----- >B ----- >B ----- >B ----- >B ----- >B ----- >B ----- >B ----- Anrufbeantwortersprueche ------------------------ (Arnold Schwarzenegger) Thespian Gutten day to you. Here I'm being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet's the latest moofie in mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator, zen zere was za Predator... zis one's called za Laminator. Eet's about zis handyman on a mission. Eet's drama. Very funny stuff. You'll chust luff it. I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za beep. Don't say you can't. Ve haf vays off making you talk, you know. BEEP ----- (Buck Rogers) I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could. BEEP ----- (Darth Vader) Speak, worm! BEEP ----- (Elvis Presley) I can't come to the phone right now. Actually I can't do much of anything right now because I've been dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if you'd like to leave your name, I'll try to contact you via ouija board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the number of John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison... BEEP ----- (Ensign Chekov) Oh, sair... it was Khan! He made us say things... do things... he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and the name of your station, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can! BEEP ----- (Kylie Minogue) I'm unable to come to the phone right now cos I'm making a movie, or a video, or a new album or something, but I'll get back to you next time I'm in Australia. and if that's you Jason, I stick by what I said last night. You wear your underwear and I'll wear mine. BEEP ----- (Lt. Uhura) Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? ... Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen? BEEP ----- (Margaret Thatcher) You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing Street. When you hear the beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and distinctly and STOP doodling when you're talking to me! And Dennis, if that's you, how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9.30? We've been a very naughty boy, haven't we? BEEP ----- (Mikhail Gorbachev) This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happines and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP ----- (Sarah Ferguson, giggling) This is Fergie... er (sound of hand being placed over receiver, aside) Andrew! What's that title again? What? (normal) Oh hello, this is the Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we'll give you a tinkle when we get back - in November. BEEP ----- (a busy signal) BEEP ----- (advertisement voice) In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (in the background: loud Heeeeee-YAH! smashing something) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (dial tone) Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! BEEP ----- (advertisement voice) It's time to play "What's Your Business" starring you, the caller. That's right, you get to leave your name and number on this amazing machine! But that's not all, if you leave a brief message and the time that you called, you could win our fabulous Grand Prize, a RETURN CALL! Good luck, and here's the beep. BEEP ----- (after a general catastrophy) I'm not in cause I'm out looting! Leave a message and I'll call you back and tell you what I got. BEEP ----- (after a power outage) This is . The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave... BEEP ----- (after an earthquake) This is . I can't get to the phone right now because I was killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually. BEEP ----- (as a poem) Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape. BEEP ----- (as a poem) These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep. BEEP ----- (as a poem, for Shakespeare lovers only) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. BEEP ----- (australian accent) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave... BEEP ----- (bored voice) Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking. BEEP ----- (bored voice) Heaven, God speaking... BEEP ----- (computer-generated voices, voice 1) There are no real people here to answer the phone right now. (voice 2) Yeah, nobody but us machines! (voice 1) Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number... (voice 2) ...and a message! You forgot about the message! (voice 1) Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back. (voice 2) ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug! BEEP ----- (granny voice, must be spoken in a drawl) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot. BEEP ----- (heavy breathing sounds, like an obcene phone call) Oh, shit, you called me! Sorry, leave... BEEP ----- (in the backgroud: Billy Joel / "Pressure") You have reached and 's room. We're a little busy now... (in the backgroud: B. Joel "PRESSURE") So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after all. (in the backgroud: B. Joel "ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE") BEEP ----- (in the backgroud: Kate Bush / "Hello, earth" for about 30 seconds) You have reached . We can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers. Please leave... (30 more seconds of music) BEEP ----- (in the background: electronic music) This is . In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII... BEEP ----- (in the background: flute music) Good day. Your contact, , is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck. BEEP ----- (in the background: frantic, violin oriented music) You have reached . We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing or being chased by bats. Please leave... BEEP ----- (in the background: french monologue) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say "non". BEEP ----- (in the background: gregorian chant or some other church music, soft voice) Good day my child, you have reached 's dial-a-confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession we will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. BEEP ----- (in the background: heavy metal music) isn't here right now - oh, is that him under the table? No, somebody else. Oh well. Leave a message, I'll get it to him. BEEP ----- (in the background: heavy panting and breathing) Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm... Oh! Sorry, I can't come (aside) Oh! Yes! Do it to me (normal) to the (aside) Oh! (normal) phone right now (in the background: pant pant), leave your name and number at the (in the background: scream, aside) I'm gonna come! (normal) orgasm. BEEP ----- (in the background: kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra") Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (YA-DAAAAAAAAA!) ...the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave... BEEP ----- (in the background: loud music) Just a second while I turn the stereo off (in the background: sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this... well hi!... uh huh... yeah... well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave... BEEP ----- (in the background: noise of "Lick It... Stuff it in") As you can hear, and are busy mailing letters, please leave... BEEP ----- (in the background: phone company message saying number is disconnected playing while the owner is arguing with it) Hey don't say that, it is connected... No please, I paid all my bills... What did I do wrong (desperate)... Why are you doing this to me? (bursting into tears) BEEP ----- (in the background: psychotic music like Beatles / "Revolution 9" or ELP / "Toccata") You have reached the Psychatric Ward. isn't here right now, so LEARN HOW TO COPE WITH IT! (Gasp) Leave a message at the beep, and we'll discuss your case. Thanks for calling... NOW GO AWAY! Hahahahahaha oof... (in the background: chair falling over) BEEP ----- (in the background: spacy music like "A Saucerful Of Secrets" by Pink Floyd, voice like Carl Sagan) Who are you? Where do you come from? Why are you here? (normal voice) I don't have the answer to these questions, but you can give ME the answers at the beep. BEEP ----- (in the background: spooky music or Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor) You have reached ,otherwise known as the epicenter of the universe. No one is available right now, but, if you'll leave your name, phone number, mastercard or visa number, sexual preference, and message, your deity of choice will get back to you as soon as is... humanly possible. Thank you very much, and have a nice life. BEEP ----- (in the background: springs creaking and various moans. Husky, soft female voice) You've just reached 's pleasure palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done... we'll get back to you in whatever way we can. BEEP ----- (in the background: theme from "Indiana Jones") You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave... (theme from "Indiana Jones" continues) BEEP ----- (in the background: theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark") You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave... BEEP ----- (in the background: theme of "Star Trek", voice 1) Room 17, the final frontier. (voice 2) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (voice 3) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. BEEP ----- (in the background: very exciting scary music along with a kitten crying) The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS. BEEP ----- (italian, mafia-style tone) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (aside) Hey Guido! Get the chainsaw! (normal) Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_ from_Guido! (a little laughter)... BEEP ----- (loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice) This is , I'm not myself right now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better. BEEP ----- (low pitch, slow) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... (normal) ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home... (high pitch, fast) ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... (incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish) ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleq BEEP ----- (low-tone voice, persuasive-like) You have reached . and are not here right now. We too are wondering where they might be. We're the police. If you have any information to give us, please do so after the beep. There is a reward for you should your information lead to their arrest BEEP ----- (militaristic mechanical voice) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES. BEEP ----- (noisy pick-up of phone) Uh... (wisperingly) Hello? (pause) Hi, I 'm a burgular and I was just about to steal 's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... uh, I'll post it on the 'frige where he'll see it. Uh... by the way, where did you say you live? BEEP ----- (operator voice) I'm sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service. Will you please hang up and let it dial again... BEEP ----- (operator voice) I'm sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety degrees and try your call again. BEEP ----- (operator voice) The number you dialed, , has been changed. The new number is . Please make a note of it. BEEP ----- (operator voice) The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer is service. BEEP ----- (operator voice) The number you have reached, , has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave... BEEP ----- (operator voice) The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again! BEEP ----- (operator voice) We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. BEEP ----- (ordinary message ending with a recorded beep and then silence for a few seconds) HAHAHA Fooled you, here comes the real one... BEEP ----- (pompous voice of John Houseman) It appears Reynaldo has again failed to answer the phone so you'll just have to leave a message. Right now I'm off to find Reynaldo and probably fire him. BEEP ----- (recorded during a party) HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB yeah! we're having a party! come on over! mike's not home right now! Look out! Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. Was that the phone ringing? BEEP ----- (strong east Indian accent) You have reached the existential hotline of . I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly. BEEP ----- (the Pope) Bless you my child. This is John Paul Ringo... heh heh, I tell a liddle Beatles choke, yes? I'm out kissing airport runways... hey, so would you if you flew Boeing... and am unable to pontificate at present. Please leave your name and number when you hear the amen and I'll get back to you, God willing. BEEP ----- (to the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel") I just left home baby I'll be out fer a spell and if you don't leave a message baby you can go to BEEP ----- (to the tune of "I'm not your stepping stone") I I I I I'm just an answering machine... I said 'a I I I I I'm just an answering machine. BEEP ----- (to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries") Leave a message... leave a message... BEEP ----- (using a sound sampler) You have reached (repeated in different speeds and pitches) and 's room. is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and isn'isn'isn'isn't here isn't here. P-P-Please leave a messssssssage. Goodbye. bye! (repeated in different pitches) BEEP ----- (voice 1) I didn't expect an answering machine. (voice 2) Nobody expects an answrering machine. Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number. Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message. damn. Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And time you called. Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No... no time for that, so just wait for the beep. BEEP ----- (voice 1) This is Hans (voice 2) And this is Franz, and we just want to... (both voices) Pump (CLAP) you up (voice 1) But we are not at home, you know (voice 2) Ya, we are gone (voice 1) If you want us to... (both voices) Pump (CLAP) you up (voice 2) You will leave a message after the beep (voice 1) If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman. (voice 2) Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know (voice 1) So leave a message and we will call to... (both voices) Pump (CLAP) you up BEEP ----- (woman taped off a phone sex service) I'm Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to... (you, interupting) Oh Linda, give me the damn phone. This is . Leave... BEEP ----- (your voice) and aren't here right now, but if... (voice of your girl friend) , what are you doing? (your voice) I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. (voice of your girl friend) But you left the last one... it's my turn. (your voice) No, I'm sure it's my turn. (voice of your girl friend) No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn. (your voice) You fool, I know it's... wait... ... what are you doing with that...? (in the background: BONK... THUD, voice of your girl friend) We're out right now, so please leave... BEEP ----- (your voice) Answer the phone, please. (voice of a friend) I'm sorry, , I can't. BEEP ----- coastguard, may I help you. BEEP ----- and can't come to the phone now because... 1... They are at an orgy... 2... Terrorists have taken over the building... 3... They saw GOD... 4... The FBI busted their fraterinty. BEEP ----- has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets free. Read all about it in next week's newspapaer. BEEP ----- is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave... BEEP ----- 's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to my front door with one of these magnets. BEEP ----- 's not home now, this is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and will get back to you as soon as possible. BEEP ----- A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future. BEEP ----- After the tone, leave your nick name and crime and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding. BEEP ----- And this is the sound the aliens made... BEEP ----- Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry. BEEP ----- As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... the telephone is next to an answering machine... you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... you hear a beep... BEEP ----- At the sound of the tone, you will be charged $10 for the first minute and $2 for each additional minute. Please leave your name, phone number and a message. You may call as often as you wish. BEEP ----- Bridge, Captain Kirk here. BEEP ----- But right now I'm using this is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. because I'm sick of people ringing the phone at midnight just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a like your message message. Feh! BEEP ----- C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this... beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go! BEEP ----- City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em! BEEP ----- Da, zis iz Ivan. do you have zee secret information, Boris? BEEP ----- Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! BEEP ----- E'llo. My name is Inigo Montonya. You killed my father. Leave your name, number, last wish and prepare to die. BEEP ----- FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. Key destruct sequence now. This terminal also accepts voice messages. BEEP ----- Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does... BEEP ----- Hartland home for lost whores. What can we do for you? BEEP ----- Hello? (pause for a few seconds) Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave... BEEP ----- Hello? BEEP ----- Hi, can I speak to ? ... Oh, there isn't? ... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number. BEEP ----- How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing... 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... yow! BEEP ----- I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (in the background: sound of a paper bag exploding) BEEP ----- I can't come to the phone now because - HEY, ! DON'T STAND ON THAT - goddam... because I've invited over (in the background: loud music cuts in) ...! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT! ...over for dinner. After the tone... , CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! Shit... Leave... BEEP ----- I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. BEEP ----- I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you. BEEP ----- I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. BEEP ----- I can't come to the phone now, so... hey... that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you... BEEP ----- I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. BEEP ----- I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am. BEEP ----- I hate these machines, as much as you. But try as we might, the cats just won't do. The scratches they cause, Holding the phone with their paws, Only leave us feeling lonely and blue. So, leave your name at the beep. On the recorder it will keep. And if there's a way, We'll call you today, Unless of course your a BEEP ----- I just got a car phone. I'm home at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you back when I'm out driving. BEEP ----- I'm 's answering machine. What are you? BEEP ----- I'm Morley Safer. I'm Harry Reasoner. I'm... And I'm We're not home; leave... BEEP ----- I'm home right now... I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? BEEP ----- I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person. BEEP ----- I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner. BEEP ----- I'm not here. BEEP ----- I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity. BEEP ----- If you are a burgler, then I'm probably at home but can't come to the phone right now Otherwise, I'm probably not at home. BEEP ----- If you like answering machines you may leave a message. If not you better disconnect and write a letter. BEEP ----- Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast. BEEP ----- Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want? BEEP ----- My girl friend and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. BEEP ----- My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your credit card type, number and date of expiration. Go ahead. BEEP ----- Next on we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72... BEEP ----- No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! BEEP ----- Nobody expects an answrering machine. Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number. Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message. Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And time you called. Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No - no time for that, so just wait for the beep. BEEP ----- Ok, One more time... This is my answering machine... This is the message on my answering machine... Any questions? BEEP ----- Please leave a message. And, remember, this machine cannot hurt you over the phone, whatever you do. BEEP ----- Please leave youre name, phone number time you called, and favorite color of underware. we'll get back to you if we like the color. BEEP ----- Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... BEEP ----- Sherwood forest, which dear do you want? BEEP ----- Thank you for calling 's House of Love. All of our customer service representatives are, er... busy servicing customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description of whatever turns you on... BEEP ----- Thank you for calling . If you wish to speak to dial a "1" now. If you wish to speak to dial a "2" now. If you have dialed a wrong number dial a "3" now. All of this dialing doesn't do anything but it is a good way to work off anger and makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. BEEP ----- Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell. BEEP ----- Thank you for calling the Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... bear a... er... shalt not witness thy... uh... neighbor's ass, oh, I mean, false... er... shalt not commit a bear... dern... BEEP ----- Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Brother 's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! BEEP ----- Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the four following words... orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. BEEP ----- Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. BEEP ----- That's right! This is an answering machine! In a few seconds, YOU'RE gonna have to leave a message! Then we'll listen to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So make it GOOD... BEEP ----- The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade and the secret password. BEEP ----- This is , you're on the air. BEEP ----- This is speaking. I'd like a large pizza with extra anchovies. What? Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number. BEEP ----- This is speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it... BEEP ----- This is 's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave... BEEP ----- This is 's toaster. 's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (in the background: CACHUNK) BEEP ----- This is , you're not in now so I'll leave a message. BEEP ----- This is . (pause) Hello? Hello!? (pause) Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine. Leave... BEEP ----- This is . , and aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can. BEEP ----- This is . By getting this message instead of the person you were originally calling you have stumbled into the position of having to come up with some reasonable one-sided interpretation of your original reason forcalling and leave it on an uncaring audio tape which will not preserve your normally functioning wit and power of speech. NOW! BEEP ----- This is . I'm home right now, and in a few moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEP ----- This is . I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (in the background: open a drawer and shuffle stuff around) OK, what would you like me to tell me? BEEP ----- This is . I'm not using the phone over , so please leave a message or call back after the ceremonial. BEEP ----- This is . I'm out right now. This means I'm either asleep or not here. I'll get back to you when I return or regain consiousness, whichever comes first. BEEP ----- This is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back. BEEP ----- This is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back. BEEP ----- This is . I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll hear my messages. Please leave one. BEEP ----- This is . Talk to me. BEEP ----- This is . Talk. BEEP ----- This is . Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love " T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge. BEEP ----- This is . Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges. BEEP ----- This is . We are not... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (in the background: sound of window breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later. BEEP ----- This is . Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone... BEEP ----- This is . You're not in now so I'll leave a message after the tone. BEEP ----- This is ... I'm not here anymore because I've committed suicide... so if it's about any money I owe you, I'll see you in Hell! BEEP ----- This is , the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely. BEEP ----- This is . They say the King of Rock died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis! BEEP ----- This is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. BEEP ----- This is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave... BEEP ----- This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP ----- This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. BEEP ----- This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. BEEP ----- This is an answerin' machine, this machine is designed to take full advantage of its numerous capabilities. Please say what you wanted to talk about and why did ya call me anyhow? Wait for the tone to sound, and leave... BEEP ----- This is not an answering machine... this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. BEEP ----- This is the residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back. BEEP ----- This is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP ----- This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious". BEEP ----- This is the answering machine of and . We are not in rigth now, is taking a walk with the elephant and it to balet class... BEEP ----- This is you-know who. I am you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. BEEP ----- This is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower? BEEP ----- This is your local telephone station speaking. We are sorry to tell you but we are having a terrible fire here at the station. The fire cannot be controlled, it is spreading over telephone cables and will reach your house in 5 minutes. So, if you don't want to burn down your house, hurry up and take your telephone receiver and throw it into a bucket of cold water! BEEP ----- Transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct, T minusone minute and counting BEEP ----- We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval. BEEP ----- Welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending some time in his beautiful weekend home on the French Riviera. BEEP ----- Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway. BEEP ----- Yes (pause) uh huh (pause) hmmm (pause) mmm, yeah (pause) ... BEEP ----- You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes! You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave... BEEP ----- You have just dialed into the Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-important. BEEP ----- You have reached . Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if I like it I will return your call. BEEP ----- You have reached . No one is available to speak with you right now because we either are not here or don't feel like picking up the phone. If you are a burglar, we have two hungy dobermans downstairs for your convenience. BEEP ----- You have reached . This is an answering machine. This is the Nineties. You know what to do. BEEP ----- You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, password and list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. Have a nice day. BEEP ----- You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. BEEP ----- You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible. BEEP ----- You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... BEEP ----- You know what to do at the tone. BEEP ----- You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave... BEEP ----- You've reached and 's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is Andrea, is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, that's it. BEEP ----- You've reached 's Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling. BEEP ----- You've reached , my personal message line where you can talk to me, . I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep. BEEP ----- You've reached , the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride. BEEP ----- You've reached the B&D hotline. All our operators are tied-up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions and bark like a dog, I'll get right back to you with your penance. BEEP ----- >B ----- >B ----- >B ----- >B ----- >B ----- >B ----- >B ----- >B ----- MfG Joerg Rautenberg ############################################################################## # #### ### ### ## ## ## ### ## ### ## # # ### ## ### ## ### #### #### ###### ## ## ### ## ###### # # ### ## ### #### #### ### # # ## ### ### # # ### ## ### ## ### #### #### ###### ## ## ### ## ###### # # ### ## ### ### ##### #### ## ### ## ### ## <-space for rent-> # ##############################################################################